Hello everyone! I'm MathDad (known on various characters in FF14).Here, you can find a hub of my FF14 activities, such as role playing and gposing as well as some other stuff like tarot. I'm not too active in-game anymore, aside from attending a venue here and there, so most of what I do is on Discord, though if you'd like to pose with any of my characters that can be arranged. Hit me up if you're interested!

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Mathras's Journal Entry

My story starts out pretty much like any Seeker of the Sun Miqo’te in a more, let’s say, traditional, tribe. My mother was W’naania Vatch, and the Nunh who sired me was W’zekou, and as you can tell, we were all part of the wolf tribe. Our branch made its home in the southern reaches of Thanalan in the jungles between Cape Deadwind and the southern Thanalan Mountains. Unlike much of Thanalan, this was a hot, humid place, but you made do.Growing up, my tribe adhered to a rigid traditionalist hierarchy, though my mother often broke the rules to spoil me. I was the youngest child, the baby if you will, and she loved to dote on her baby. Growing up I was never uncomfortable. I had some natural ability, I never worked too hard at anything, I did just enough to get by. Why work harder than I needed to? My older sisters were already having children, and my older brothers were strong hunters, each gunning to challenge one of the Nunhs for their title. None of that was for me.So my childhood passed with relative ease and I entered my teenage years. It was an important time for men in our tribe, we’d all be finding our place, finding what we’re best suited for. Once again, that wasn’t for me. No, I’d become smitten with a girl in our tribe, W’faella Riveh. What a beauty she was. Her hair was the color of the desert sands at night, her eyes a piercing brown, her lips, well, you get the picture. She was beautiful. I would flirt with her at any opportunity and make any excuse to see her. I couldn’t get enough of her.One night we’d snuck out, as we often did, and laid on a grass hill under the starry Eorzean sky. Every time I saw it I felt so small, my worries drifting away. That night it was calming my nerves. I had a bold proposition for W’faella.“Why don’t we leave this place W’faella? I don’t care about tradition and rules. All I know is I care about you. Run away with me.”I remember those words so clearly. I’d worked up the courage over weeks. I knew it was unheard of, for a single pairing. That’s what the outsiders did. Here, everything was about strengthening the tribe. Becoming each other’s only mate was not going to happen.She laughed when she heard me. Laughed. All my courage only to be met with laughter. But she did answer me. I was glad. I deserved as much, and her words spurred my life for the next many years.“Oh W'mathras, you know I can’t. This tribe is my home, I have a duty to it, to everyone here. I care about you, but I can’t leave the tribe.”The tribe. Always the tribe. But she cared, cared about me. That was something. I could work with that. In my youthful hubris I offered her a bold response.“Then I will work hard to become strong, to become a Nunh. Then we can be together.”Once again she laughed. Why laughing? I was serious. If she wouldn’t break the rules then I had to play by them. What else was I to do?
“Is that so, little cub? I look forward to that.”Little cub? I nearly lost it. I may not have been as filled out as the other boys my age who’d been working a bit, alright a lot, harder, but I wasn’t anything to scoff at. Was I? I told her I meant every word. I don’t know if she believed me or saw the fire burning in my eyes. I hoped she did, I hoped she knew I would do anything to be with her.From that point on I began to work harder than I ever had before to keep my promise, and it was quickly apparent how far behind the others my age I was. At first I would get mocked and teased, but I expected that. I understood I’d taken it easy, and was undaunted. W’faella was worth anything and everything. So I pushed myself. I stayed out hunting longer than anyone else, I trained my body day and night to be strong, more nimble and agile. Anytime I could turn something into a chance to improve I did. I was committed.When my brother, W’koji, successfully bested one of the Nunhs and took his place I was more motivated than ever. If he could do it then so could I. We may have had different sires, but our mother was a strong woman, so I wanted to believe that strength and determination came from her.Throughout these years I began seeing W’faella less and less. My time was wholly devoted to improving, to becoming a Nunh, for her. We’d flash each other smiles when we could, but our late-night meetings under the stars stopped. Whenever I had a break and would go to see her, her mother would always turn me away, saying she wasn’t in or was busy. I was disappointed of course, a few words from her, a look, a smile, could motivate me for weeks, but I tried not to let it dissuade me.After several years of consistent dedication and frankly overwork I felt confident in myself. I outpaced everyone my age in every measurable way, and I don’t say this to be arrogant, it was simply the truth, and everyone knew it. When we went out, I led, I called the shots, and organized us.All the while, my promise to W’faella motivated me, never leaving my mind. And so, when we were finally considered adults in the tribe, my youthful dreams (along with that youth pride we all have when we’re young and confident), I did what no one so young had done in our tribe: I challenged a Nunh.When the day of the challenge came I scanned the crowd for W’faella but I couldn’t find her. I was sure she was there, somewhere, cheering me on, and that gave me strength even though I couldn’t see her, even though she couldn’t see the moment I fulfilled my promise. That motivation helped me in the fight. It lasted a while, but my stamina and reflexes were clearly winning out. There were several close calls, times when I had the wind knocked out of me, when I thought he had me, but in the end I beat him. W’mathras Tia was gone. W’mathras Nunh had arrived.I anxiously went through the ceremony which officially granted me the title of Nunh, impatiently waiting to run to W’faella and tell her the news, to show her I’d kept my promise, to start our future that I’d dreamed of years before. When the long winded speeches were over and the crowd dispersed I dashed to W’faella’s home. As I walked up, her mother tried to stop me but she knew she could no longer turn me away now that I was a Nunh, and I walked past her.When I found W’faella, the reason for her absence from the fight, and absence from the the public spaces in general, became evident. She was sitting in a chair, belly round, humming a song preparing their evening meal.I stood in the doorway in utter shock. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It had to be a sick joke, some prank, a dream, a nightmare. It couldn’t be real. Then she looked up at me with her same gorgeous smile and asked “W’mathras, come in! I’m preparing food. Would you like to stay and eat?” like it was nothing, like nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong.I started to step forward but then stopped, my fists clenched, holding back the tears threatening to well from my eyes.“W’faella, what is this? You’re with child? What happened to our dream, the promise I made to you? Don’t you remember?” My attempt to hold back my tears met with little success as they slowly ran down my cheeks onto the floor, and before I knew it my voice was hoarse from yelling. “The past years, I’ve been working myself as hard as I can, and then some! I did this for you, for us! I promised you I would get here, so we could live our dream in the way you wanted! Did that mean nothing to you?Her expression changed to a smile of sadness and confusion. She spoke, her tone matter-of-factly words that stabbed at my heart. “W’mathras, the dreams of children are just that. They are whims of fantasy. My duty is to the tribe, it always has been. I told you that then.”The tribe, the tribe, the tribe. Always the damn tribe! But I couldn’t stay angry at her. No, my heart was sinking. I was losing myself. All that work, all that time, only to end in a dream shattered by the traditions of the tribe. I turned to leave, I had to, but I stupidly asked a question of her. I shouldn’t have asked it. I didn’t want to know. I wanted to know so badly.“Who sired the baby you’re carrying?”I was not prepared for her answer. I couldn’t have been. No answer would’ve given me solace, but the name she spoke set off a fury in me which quickly flared out of my control. A deep growl built in my chest, my years pointed forward, my tail straightened as the words left her lips. “W’koji. Why do you ask?”I can’t really remember much of what happened shortly after. I remember feelings mostly. Anger, rage, frustration, disappointment, anguish. But I do remember one thought I was having as I apparently stormed through the encampment, deaf to the shouts and pleas of those who I ran through on the way to his home. “W’koji, you piece of shit.”When I arrived I stomped into the room roaring as loud as I could. “You bastard! You piece of shit! You knew I loved her, you knew I was doing this for her! I told you! I trusted you! You encouraged me! How could you sire a child with W’faella?”My brother stood up and faced me, his expression one of disappointment behind cold emotionless eyes. “I am a Nunh, it is my duty to sire strong children with suitable mothers. If you wanted it to be otherwise you should have done something about it sooner instead of pissing away your childhood lounging about as a spoiled brat. Do not direct your anger at me when the fault is your own.”I was on him faster than stink on shit. I threw him to the ground and sent my fists at him as hard as I could, stopping only to shield myself from his blows. Our brawl quickly trashed the home. We had no regard for anything or anyone else. This was primal, emotional, irrational. No. Only the two of us existed, each focused solely on beating the other, and soon our melee made its way into a public area of the camp.A crowd soon gathered around us as we fought. Others tried to pull us off each other but ended up with bloody noses, bruises, or worse. They quickly stopped after the primal rage in my eyes became evident, and everyone kept a safe distance. After a few short minutes, I landed a blow that knocked W’koji unconscious. The crowd seemed to sigh in relief that it was over, but it wasn’t. My rage wasn’t sated. It was endless, a gluttonous all-consuming hatred born of a soul being torn apart. I continued to hit him, breaking him more and more while he couldn’t fight back until a cry to stop came from the crowd and snapped me out of it: my mother’s.I came to my senses, clarity returning to my clouded mind, and looked down at the blood soaked ground below me along with my brother's battered body. I examined my own hands, scratched, bruised, probably broken. I stood up and spit out the blood in my mouth onto my brother’s limp body and walked past the crowd toward my mother. They parted before me, no one making a sound. I kept walking, past my mother as I whispered “I’m sorry, for everything”. I kept walking, past the places I played, past the homes of friends, past the place I was born and raised, and right out of the camp, leaving it all behind me, not looking back.For months I was beset by grief, living as a vagrant, using my skill as a hunter to sustain me and occasionally make some gil when supplies were absolutely necessary. I eventually found myself in Limsa Lominsa, the sprawling white city before my eyes on the shore of a vast expanse of blue waters and skies. I saw countless other Miqo’te, and not just Seekers of the Sun, but Seekers of the Moon too, living amongst all the other peoples of Eorzea, no code to follow but their own. It was then I decided to start my new life, adventuring, becoming a mercenary, it didn’t matter. I would reinvent who I was. I would live by my own code, binding myself not to some ancient tradition, but to my own moral compass. I was home.- Entry in the journal of Mathras Solmihr

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Sean's Backstory

Sean was found abandoned on the paths of the outskirts of Gridania as a newborn. He was taken in by the Twin Adder and put into the foster system. For his whole youth, he was passed around from family to family, always knowing and feeling as though he was apart, not one of them. When he was 18 he was released from the system. Having no consistent schooling, no long-term friends, and lacking any knowledge of what a stable unchanging home looked like, he wandered into the world, unsure of what he was supposed to do, or how he was supposed to do it.He quickly fell in with a rougher crowd. The party scene in Eorzea is vast, and he could easily get a quick high and forget about all the things he didn't know. Eventually his mooching was no longer tolerated, and he had to actually do something with his life. Luckily for him, he didn't need to think long. He was approached by a producer who said he looked pretty good. Taking care of his body was the only thing he could consistently do regardless of what home he found himself in, so he made sure to keep it up for appearances, and for some sort of consistency in his life. The producer said he made certain films Sean would be great in. Not knowing what else he was going to do, Sean agreed to look into it.And that's how Sean entered the adult entertainment industry in Eorzea. He started in smaller films that were meant more as teasers for bigger ones, making little money compared to his women co-stars. He was always cordial and calm around them, but after several failed attempts at dating them (mostly because for them, this was work), Sean learned to divorce his work from his emotion, viewing what he did as part of the job, nothing more.After one seemingly normal shoot, another producer approached Sean. He said Sean's look and body type would be very popular in another kind of video: gay adult videos. Sean initially balked, stating he wasn't gay, but the producer ensured him that plenty of people on his payroll weren't. They used tonics and tinctures to keep things going, and did their best to act. It was all about the bodies, and Sean had one he felt they viewers would eat up. Sean was about to give another rejection until the producer mentioned how much more he'd earn per scene compared to what he was doing now. Wanting to have some kind of like that was precarious, he accepted the offer and began his carrier gay adult videos.It took no time at all for him to rise to one of the most popular performers in the industry. His look, unique for a Viera, was in high demand, and he never lacked for work. He was able to save enough to buy an apartment and begin an independent life. His mentality of separating work from emotion helped him to acclimate to his new work well, and soon it was just another thing he did, that he just happened to be quite good at.While he is somewhat well known, he does his best to fly under the radar when he goes out. However, his chill vibes attitude and his inability to explore his likes and dislikes means he leads a fairly boring life. He stopped going to the party scene as he found it to be empty, and preferred staying at home and watching a good movie. He isn't sure where he is going in life, but he goes with the flow. Hopefully someone can come along and turn his lazy river into a wave pool, helping him discover his emotions, and his passions.

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Cartesia's Backstory

Not knowing much about her birth, Cartesia was likely abandoned because of her distinctive ears and tail, and undesirable trait in some Miqo'te circles. She was adopted by Hyur Midlander parents when she was still an infant, becoming the youngest child with three older siblings, all of whom were biologically their parents' children. Carti grew up never fully feeling like part of the family. She would always try her best at everything, feeling as though she needed to earn her way into the family. Her parents never did anything but love her though, her turmoil was completely self-imposed.As she grew up, her siblings became increasingly jealous of her. Though she was only excelling to assuage her own sense of distance in the family, her siblings believed her to be trying to outshine them. The older they got, the nastier they became in private, telling her she was unwanted, a mistaken choice by their parents, that their parents secretly hated her, etc. Despite this, Carti continued to work hard and succeed.Carti slowly began to resent her family, especially her siblings. She saw the masks they wore for their parents and she felt her dedication to athletics, studies, and extra curricular activities was simply a face she wore for the world, a perfect child, bright and shining to all, but behind it all she was cynical as could be. Slowly her disdain grew, and she perfected her outward "perfect" appearance, feeling that is what everyone wanted. She believed the real her, who she viewed as ugly and vicious, would never be wanted by anyone.She graduated school with knowledge of healing, but took some time before finding a job to "find herself". Her parents were so pleased with her academic success they gladly agreed to allow her time to find her passion. While she claimed to be exploring her options, she was really exploring various escapes. She fell in with Limsa's party scene, club hopping and drinking, dancing and hooking up at her leisure. Her honed acting skills allowed her to manipulate her way into whatever she wanted to do. After a few years of this, her parents became impatient and she realized she needed to find some work.She found work as a nurse at a local clinic in Limsa, as a past acquaintance of hers was a medic there. She settled in, getting along with her co-workers on the surface, but inside still cynical as always, perhaps even more jaded as time had gone on. Her genteel persona sometimes gives way to backhanded compliments which she often feigns ignorance at, but it becomes her subtle way to strike back at a world she feels is full of lies and would reject her outright were she to be herself, whoever that might be.

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Thyrus's Backstory

Forthcoming...

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Kennrick's Missing Years

After several years at sea, Kenny had made a name for himself as part of the crew. One evening, on a routine transport job, the crew stopped at a fishing village in Othard. A local festival was being held, and the sailors were invited to join in the festivities. Kenny's crew, always looking for opportunities to tease and poke fun at one another, convinced him to wear a rather...ostentatious outfit, while everyone else wore a more subdued ones. Their attempted tease, however, backfired. Between his colorful getup and his boisterous personality, Kenny was a popular figure, especially with the village women, and one more so than the others; Kimiko Uchiumi.Kimiko was very proper, brought up by her family to be a lady in waiting, though after being passed over for the role, she began working at the family-owned inn. She was known to be reserved, quiet, but kind, a truly proper lady, quite a rarity and a bit out of place in her fishing village. Kenny was immediately drawn to her and to the surprise of those who knew Kimiko as well as the sailors, they hit it off, and spent most of the night walking, talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. Kenny wished the night could last forever, but the next day the ship left port, but his heart was left behind.Over the next year, Kenny left his ship to become a freelancer, choosing to spend more time on boats that frequented Othard's ports so he could make as-frequent-as-possible visits to Kimiko, and before long Kenny was a village staple. As their relationship bloomed, Kenny found himself the topic of village gossip. Kimiko, being a properly trained lady, was normally quiet and reserved, yet when Kenny would be in town her exclamations would sometimes be heard at night, leading to village whispers about Kenny's size and prowess, none of which Kimiko ever responded to.It was one of these visits where Kenny returned to find Kimiko with a slightly swollen belly, which Kimiko confirmed was their child. Kenny fell to his knees, weeping, the first time Kimiko had ever seen him cry, as he held his head against her stomach. He quickly negotiated his leave from the ship he was contracted with, and took up residence with Kimiko in the village, working as a not-so-great fisherman, usually relegated to navigating the boat.Years pass, and their life is happy. Kenny, along with the village hands, built a small house near the inn where Kenny, Kimiko, and their child live modestly but joyfully. Kenny's big laughs brightened the village and ever remained a lovely contrast to Kimiko's more subdued nature. She'd often chastise him for his silly behaviors, but all it took was a heart chuckle and a "Sorry dear, you know how I am" for the corners of her mouth to raise ever-so-slightly as she'd nod her head and continue with the housework.As their child grew, Kenny slowly began taking them along on the boat when he'd go out to fish. Since nearly everyone in the village was involved in some part of the fishing trade, Kenny felt it would be good experience, even if they decided not to be on the boat and instead worked to support the village some other way. During one of these trips, the waters became strangely rough, seemingly out of nowhere, and a sudden storm hit. The crashing waves were so turbulent that the child fell overboard before anyone could reach them. Kenny immediately dove overboard, despite the danger, however between the darkness of the could, the tumultuous waves, and the sheets of rain, Kenny could not find any sign of his child. The boat's other crew members used all their might and managed to pull him back on, despite his screaming and raging protests, and had to tie him down to stop him from jumping overboard again before they somehow manage to return to the port.Back at the village everyone was in shock. Kenny and Kimiko were beside themselves, trying to remain hopeful, though everyone quietly knew the likely outcome. When the storm finally died down the next morning, a body had washed up on shore. Kenny was beside himself, and Kimiko's always-proper veneer was shattered and broken. The village mourned as well, but there was no consoling the parents.After the funeral, Kimiko fell into a deep depression, holding up in bed for months mourning while Kenny tried his best to work the boats and maintain the house. Every night Kenny would go to comfort Kimiko, but when she would see his face her tears would swell up, and so would his. Reflected in their partner's gaze was also the gaze of their now-lost child, a gaze they could never unsee. More months passed with no change, and it became clear to Kenny that Kimiko would never heal as long as he was around. It took weeks for him to work up the courage, but Kenny decided to tell Kimiko he was thinking of leaving. That night was a ferocious one, they yelled and screamed and cried, but Kimiko soon realized Kenny might be right, that she could never simply see him again without seeing the face of their child.And so, Kenny left the village, and soon after Kimiko left to return to her family's farm. No one in the village asked questions, they knew better, and her family did not question her decision. That was the last he heard or saw of her. Kenny made sure he avoided Othard and ships he knew frequented its ports. He made sure not to ask about her or put himself in a position where others might ask him. He knew that if he ever heard she was alone he might go back to her, and if he heard she had moved on with someone else he might be devastated, so he locked away that part of his heart, living with the uncertainty but knowing no other way. He soon returned to Limsa Lominsa to work at his family's shop, still the jovial, big-hearted guy who will try anything, help anyone, encourage everyone, but there was sometimes a quiet sadness about him, one his family thought better than to ask about. When people would mention he seemed fatherly, he would often respond "Maybe in a past life" because to him it really is a life in the past.

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Jin's Unfortunate Past

Jin was born to a maid working at Doma Castle during the Garlean Occupation. After years of taking the minimum care of the child, she could no longer stand his presence, a constant reminder of her assault by a Garlean business mogul and dignitary, so she smuggled him into Garlemald and left him at the estate of his father. Seen as a cheap set of hands, Jin was immediately put to work on the estate, doing menial chores and being relentlessly mistreated, bullied, and beaten by the other servants as well as his half-siblings for his dirty blood.As he grew older, his intelligence and cleverness became more apparent, as he implemented his own methods to accomplish work and even whispered ideas into the ears of his half-siblings who were undergoing their own competition for their fathers limited affections and to become the family heir, only to be met with mockery and a belittling of his intelligence despite their blatant theft. Jin's father recognized his children were not as clever as their ideas, and tracked them down to Jin. Seeing an opportunity to motivate his disappointing children, he brought Jin into the competition as a foil, much to the outrage of his half siblings, officially granting him the name of Jin Drusus and nominal recognized Garlean citizenship.Despite the intent of his father's actions and much to his angry astonishment, Jin consistently outperformed his siblings in every regard, even dealing with their attempts to unfairly and viciously take him down. Now of age, Jin's father could not simply disregard him since Jin had increased the family's wealth tremendously, so his father sent him out of Garlemald to handle the "lesser" investments in the rest of Eorzea. After all, for a family as prestigious as theirs, no matter how much money came from outside, Garlean coin was what mattered at the end of the day. Jin was happy to oblige, leaving the watchful eye of his father as well as the constant looks of disgust, finally able to do as he would with the respect he was owed.He ruled the business and investments with cruel, calculated efficiency, putting on a charming face only to hide the often vile nature underneath. He expected things to be done exactly as described, and punished whoever failed to meet his expectations, sometimes discretely, sometimes publicly, though occasionally people would simply disappear. He trained himself in martial arts, including the use of various weapons, mostly to keep his mind and body sharp and safe, but also taking punishment into his own hands when the need might arise.His behavior became more eccentric as he grew older and gained more influence. His attention to detail and cleanliness became more pronounced, especially when it came to his own body. He continued to train even harder, despite hating the feeling of sweat on his body, taking showers often. He also began sequestering himself into a private room, where occasionally an echoed grunt could be heard along with what sounded like a whip.As Garlemald fell to ruin, so too did his family's Garlean wealth. Upon hearing of his fathers passing and the fight his siblings were having for the scraps, he decided to sure up his standing before any of them deigned to recall his existence and their non-Garlean assets. He had his siblings quietly assassinated one by one, until he was the only one left and both the de facto and now official owner of the various businesses and investments across Eorzean, sans the now-defunct operations in Garlemald. He left his old Garlean family name behind, adopting the Doman name of his mother's family, Maeda to garner sympathy from potential business interests, and to sweep his distasteful Garlean past under the rug. A twisted smile would always cross his face when he found himself agreeing with his old family that his blood was dirty, though they'd failed to realize it was the Garlean blood that was the cause.

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1. The Nightmare Memory

Content Warning: This story contains an account of sexual violence.I relive this night over and over, without end, without escape. I've tried everything to forget, for one night of quiet, but the Twelve have not seen fit to grant me one, so here it is. It starts on a very boring humid day in the Shroud. Mom is out working the fields, my eight-year-old self helping where I can. Our life is a tough one, but the two of us handle it. Mom goes out into the woods to pick some mushrooms while I slack off and play with some toys I'd made, just rocks and twigs tied together with hemp.I hear something in the distance, it's her, she's running, yelling. "Get inside! Now!" She's screaming, her voice is hoarse. She looks scared. I do as I'm told, I run and hide under my bed in our small cottage and wait. I hear more of her screams, and some other voices, men. I crawl out from under the bed and creep toward the door, as quietly as I can, and peek outside.I see mom on the ground in the dirt, her clothes are ripped and her eye is swelling. She's crying. There's a man on top of her, and two others standing close by, cheering at him. "Leave some for us" one of them says. The one on top of mom laughs. Mom notices me and tilts her head as much as she can. She wants me to go back inside. One of the men standing sees her movement and then sees me. I freeze. He has scars across his face, he's big, very big. I'm afraid. He yells at me. "Get inside runt, your mum's helpin' us out for awhile. This ain't for kids. Go!"I run as fast as I can back under the bed and wait. I can hear them laughing as I go. The sun is setting and I hear footsteps, a lot of them, come up. I look out from under the bed to see the large man throw mom onto the floor. Her clothes are dirty and torn to bits, she has a nosebleed, her eye is worse, there are bruises and cuts all over, and she's crying, I can tell, even though no tears are coming out. "Your mum's a right whore lad, with a bastard son to boot. The seven hells take ya both."He slams the door shut, but I can hear them outside. Soon I smell something burning. I look up. Our roof is on fire. I shake mom. "Mom. Wake up, the house!" She tries to say something but she can't. I run to the door and slam on it, I try to get it open, but it won't budge. "Please, we're stuck! Help us!" I beg the men outside, but all I hear is laughter. Why won't they help us? I try the shutters next, but they won't budge either. Why is this happening? I sit in the middle of the room and bury my head into my knees and cry. Please, anyone, help.I gasp as I feel two arms around me, warm and gentle. I lift up my head. It's mom. I cry, I hug her. "Mom, the house, we have to get out!" She shushes me. "Kordi, my love, my sweet angel." She looks sad. Why is she so sad? "Those are bad men, and we're stuck in the house. We can't get out." I look around in a panic. Stuck? But the house in on fire. We'll burn. We'll burn!She hugs me tighter. "Kordi, I want you to crawl into the small root cellar we keep the food in. The door is tight, so you'll be safe. Don't come out until everything is quiet and the door isn't hot, okay?" I nod, relieved, but wait. "What about you mom?" She smiles, but she's crying, the tears are back. "Don't worry about me, as long as you're safe, I'll be with you." I try to argue with her, but she opens the cellar door and pushes me in. It's tight. She can't get in with me. "Mom, please. I'm scared." I can barely talk through tears and snot covering my face. She leans down and kisses my forehead. "I know, but you'll be okay. And remember Kordi, mommy loves you, more than anything. You are my whole world. I love you."She shuts the door. I bang on it, I scream, I cry. Why won't she let me out? The fire is going to get her. I can hear the house creaking, hear it falling and smashing things. I can hear mom screaming. So much screaming. Mom, please. I need to help her. I go to open the door, but it's hot and heavy. Something fell on it. I'm stuck. Mom's stuck. "Mom! Mom don't go! Mom, I need you!" She can't hear me. It's too loud.All I can hear is burning wood and her screams, for a bit, and then all I hear is the burning, a fire incinerating my life, all I could have been, all the memories we'd have made, all the joy and happiness I could have had, erased in an act of cruelty. My mother died that night, in terror and agony, and along with her the man I was supposed to be. Mom...I miss you so much....

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2. The Twelve's Irony

It was long after the fire that I was out and about in the streets of Gridania, begging where I could, if the Twin Adder didn't chase me off first. I was invisible to most people unless I caused them some discomfort. My presence was a problem to be dealt with. In just a few months I'd gone from having a loving mother who put me at the center of her world, to having nothing and no one to rely on.Eventually I stumbled upon pick-pocketing. I'd seen some others do it and figured it couldn't be that difficult, but given my luck who knew. To my surprise it worked. I would cry when I bumped into folks and they'd just hush me and dash away, wanting to be rid of the stain on their good time as quick as possible. That was fine with me. It made people easy targets. I wasn't particularly skilled, I was almost always noticed, but my act got them running and I was gone when they finally realized.My mistake was being young and ignorant. I happened to take something from a teenager, nothing unusual, however this one didn't run from me when I began crying. The horned-hyur quickly grabbed my arm and took his gilpurse from me. I soon found out he was a padjal named E-Sumi Yan. He asked me why I was stealing, to which I replied I had no choice. He droned on about everyone having a choice, but he didn't know me or my circumstances. It seemed to mater little to him as he dragged me with him back to Stillglade Fane. He told me I'd be living there now and would be training as a conjurer. I didn't know what that was, but if it meant somewhere to stay and warm meals, I couldn't exactly say no.I was looking forward to training. I wanted to become stronger, for myself, and my mother. I wanted to defend myself from people who would hurt me, and hurt those who'd taken from me in turn. Imagine my surprise when I discovered conjuring was a white art, meant for healing. What cruel irony the twelve had for me. Deny me what I needed to push forward by setting me on the path of doing the opposite. I had no desire to heal anyone, and that made my training all the more tedious, but I stuck with it only out of sheer childish stubbornness.When I had mastered my skills and served my time with the guild, I left. I was grateful, in the end, to E-Sumi Yan, for keeping me alive all these years. I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was still closer to the strength I wanted, and as I grew up I'd had time to think, to consider what I wanted and how to get it. I left resolved to find the force behind my mother's murder, to avenge her death and quiet the dream that had come to haunt me. Nothing else mattered, and as I took the first steps of freedom out of Stillglade Fane, I steeled myself for the path I'd set to travel.

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3. Woe's of a Half-Breed

Even with my limited experience and knowledge, I was able to make my way to Ishgard early on in my search for my mother's killer. The frigid air and biting chill seemed to match the temperament of the rich Elezen nobles perfectly. As a poor young man I wound up in the Brume, for the best if you ask me. Exactly the type of people I needed, with connections to various government offices with workers who'd help out anyone if their pockets were made heavier. So I settled down and took odd jobs here and there, healing, mercenary work, etc. to pay for copies of records from crooked officials. It was something.It was on my way to meet one such official that I saw her. I remember thinking the Twelve must have dropped her right in front of me, a reward for the anguish my life consisted of until then. She was tall, slender, and smiled at me from amongst her crowd of friends. I waved back nervously with what I'm sure was a stupid smile on my face, ears red with nerves.I made sure to pass by often, and eventually we struck up conversation. She'd wait for me, sitting bundled and perfect on the stone benches of Foundation. We'd talk, she'd laugh. She held my hand when I told her my mother had passed, unsuccessfully fighting back tears. I couldn't believe I'd found someone who could comfort the cold emptiness of my heart.And so it was unsurprising when I heard from a contact in the Brume that she wished to see me, urgently. I stopped what I was doing and went to our usual spot to find her and her friends gathered around, laughing. I walked up slowly, asking if she was alright, only to be slapped in the face. I turned to look at her with utter confusion on my face, and a look of revulsion and contempt looked back as her friends snickered behind her. She said she was tired of playing with me, a whoreson brume rat, that I was just a joke to pass the time, that a half breed like me was unworthy of her presence.She spat on the ground at my feet and left with her friends as I stood there until the dull light of the cloudy sky turned dark and snow began to fall. I felt as though I'd betrayed my mother, revealing her death to someone for comfort only to be called a worthless toy. It was a lesson I needed to learn, a reminder that the world is cruel and that the Twelve would let me have nothing, that I would never have love in my life. Whether unworthy, undeserving, or simply incapable it made little difference. What small door remained open in my heart had been bolted and shuttered.

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4. Weak and Worthless

I was done with love, especially in Ishgard. It was clear who I was to these people, who I'd always be to them, if they even saw me. What point was there in seeking something beyond my station? Sure, folks in the brume were nice enough, but it was better not to trust anyone. Keep everyone at a distance, and you're never disappointed when they betray your expectations.That said, a man still has needs, and there were plenty of places to satisfy them. Forgetful faces to help your woes, give you a brief respite from your ails all for a sack of gil. It was easy when my heart wasn't on the line. The women would whisper honeyed words but they needn't have bothered. I was under no illusions that these encounters were anything more than base in nature. There would never be any comfort for me, false or otherwise.But even that ended one night. I was in the bed of an Elezen woman, shorter, lithe, seemingly nice. We were in the thick of it when she whispered something in my ear, "Whatever you wish, my love". She said it just like her, just like that woman who'd used me as a mere distraction, toyed with my fragile self and tossed me to the garbage when her game was over. And suddenly that's who I saw, there, smirking at me in disgust.I was so angry, my rage so palpable it was if I was on fire, the chill air of Ishgard not even a cool breeze against me. I don't even know what i said, but I ranted and raved, every hurt just below the surface finally came up for air, desperate to be heard, desperate for relief. It was a torrent that swept me away, and when I came to, I was choking her like a vice. Not that noble who'd looked at me with contempt, but the woman who'd offered to ease my pain. I quickly let go and did my best to quickly heal her neck before grabbing my things and running out of the inn, dropping them next to a fence and staring out into the void that sits below Foundation.I wanted to jump. I wanted the void to take me. I was a disgusting, broken man. I was no better than those fiends who'd done such horrible things to my mother. I'd become them. How was I to go on? I didn't deserve this life. My mother had made a mistake in saving me, a wretched child full of spite.I tried many times to put myself on the other side of the fence, but my grip was to tight. I was afraid of death. I fell to the cold stone below and wept. How pathetic I was. My mother gave her life to save mine, and here I was, wanting to toss it away, destroying that greatest of sacrifices. I wasn't worth saving, yet here I was, still alive. It became clear to me then that there was no time for anything else. I had a singular aim in this life I had to accomplish before I could be free from the torment of living and meet my mother's spirit with pride. I had to avenge her. I had to find the bastards responsible for her death and send them to the hells to pay for their wickedness. Only then would I be worthy of her, even if deep down I knew she wanted more for me than this.

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GPosing

I do gposing, mostly for myself and friends, but occasionally for others as well. I do not take commissions anymore, since it's difficult to stay motivated these days. Below you can find my gallery including both SFW and NSFW poses. I do not do any post-processing to my gposes.Please send me your good shader presets folks!

• SFW Gallery
• NSFW Gallery

SFW Gallery

Age Verification

Before I show you my NSFW shots, please confirm that you are at least 18 years of age or older!

• Yes, I'm 18+
• No, I'm Not 18+

NSFW Gallery